You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What changed your mind?
Being sober
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
