chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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