You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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