You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
