My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
