things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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