I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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