My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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