I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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