This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
