the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I fill condoms, not promises.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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