I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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