i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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