I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
