im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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