Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
