....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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