Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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