I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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