we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
