It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
