idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
