I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
