I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
