apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
