i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
