I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just gift wrapped bread.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
