McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
