This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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