My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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