Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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