if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
