why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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