Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
