o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
