You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
