So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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