I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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