I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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