You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
