By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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