Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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