stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
