Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
