oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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