I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
