Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
