Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
