I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
