just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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