he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
