I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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