I am in a vortex of obligation.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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