SEEEEXXX PLEASE
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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