Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sext me about skeletons
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
