i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
